Birthday Check-in From the Other Side
perhaps a monster no longer
From the other side of the world, from the other side of thirty-nine years, I salute my then-new mother on the other side of her hard labor.
From the other side of the screen, you--dear reader--come to this blog to see what's new. Sometimes there's a new post every time you check; other times, all is static for a month at a time. Perhaps that unchanged front-page post each time is no less fresh/novel/new than the parade of new posts.
From the other other side, I am still here, I am working hard, I am in material precarity but trusting in divine guidance.
So, what else is new?
I have an essay in the Georgia Review! That still feels new. So am I a real writer now? Or will I be, when i actually sit down and write? I haven't been writing quite so much, as you might have kind of noticed.
On the other side of the table, I am working all day every day at the clinic that has been so instrumental in my own healing journey. I am honored and blessed to be sharing my culinary and herbal skills and nutritonal and healing knowledge in service of others while continuing to learn from the best. Some comers love what I have to give, and I feel the brightness of their appreciation and share the joy of seeing their health transform. Not everyone wants to be helped, or to be helped by me, and I must stand by and let that roll over me--it's not about me at all.
I constantly pray to be guided to do my best. To take an extra deep breath as I walk from one task to another. To take my cordyceps and holy basil and to make sure I sleep well. On the other side of the patient/coach relationship, I am still a patient. And I am my own patient too.
On the other side of my self image--I have gained 20 lbs and am in triple digits, and I can't stand it. But I am tolerating it, in recognition that the path to full health resolution is long, and not straight, and inexorable, and unidirectional.
I can't go back to where I was before--the tracks are covered, the signals are down, the foundations have been dug up and all memory of it erased from official records. I just have to keep doing what I know are the right things, dealing with the infections, bringing organs back on line, and trusting that one day my legs and ankles will no longer be swollen and I'll be able to digest and eliminate normally.
On the other side of the empty bottle, I am off my meds and on to magical and mineral interventions that do the job better. So I'm going to have to write the palinode to that poem published in the New England Review! And I am not psychotic or suicidal or semiseizured or paranoid; I am listening to the voice of divine guidance as it comes into ringing focus.
On the other side of the table, I'm still translating German encyclopedia entries and working with editing clients, both poetry and nonfiction, and also starting to do some administrative work for a friend. With clinic shifts often 12-14 hours long, this means some long days! I recognize that I wouldn't have had as much capacity, perhaps, when there was less of me.
All of this may change tomorrow, and that will be another other side. But best of all, as I look back on this past year with all its evolutions, I see all my inner work coming toward fruition: the focusing, manifesting, being clearer with words and thoughts, listening to programs about reality creation and emancipation from negative habits and thoughts. All the things I tried to implement and felt like I failed at when I slipped up are starting to show their worth.
Along with the cleanses I've been doing, the call to help others reclaim their health and wholeness has transformed the ruminative stuck pettiness of my old food issues out of existence. And as I'm called to interact with people more in a whole variety of capacities (admin and cleaner too, when needed), I'm letting go of an inferiority complex around communicating with people, forgiving myself when I'm not immaculate, and recognizing that even though I'm not yet 100% consistent, I'm finally developing a sense of my own compass and principles, what I'm here to do, and how to go about doing it.
Perhaps I am here for you too.